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so, deep inside you're hurting for some (un)known reason and you take it out on the ones you the most in the form of anger and bitchiness. you found a guy who agreed to take it, probably because he lacks self-esteem. it worked well for a time. he took it and took it and took it, so you felt everything was just fine; you always made up. you saw no need to change. you don't understand his words, his actions, then again, you never really tried, you just lashed out because you were hurt and confused. you never let your wall down, even for a second. sometimes it takes someone leaving to wake us up. sometimes we wake up on our own because our brains set the alarm clock. sometimes we never hear the clock or pretend we don't care when he finally leaves. if you WANT to change, you can. is it too late? don't know, probably after 5 years. but you have a CHOICE. either with him or the next guy. learn to yourself and you'll stop doing that shit. stop doing that shit, and you'll learn to yourself AND others. me if you want to talk, this stuff is crazy hard and i know a bit about it. maybe i was off in my description, it was a stretch, maybe not. looking to epand my South South DakotaNow, it is (though not perfectly but) much, much clearer to me what you want/need! My situation is similar to yours, and it's somewhat pathetic, but yours is way worse. Although, I believe that everyone caries the load according to their strength. Well, if it was over your strength, you wouldn't be carrying it! So my point is, you probably have a philosophy of some sort that makes it all tolerable or worthwhile. The simple fact that you are still with your wife, proves that every other known to you alternative is much worse that your present situation. At this point, I can't advise or suggest you anything. But I believe that if you listen to your heart, you'd know what you should do, if you should do anything different from what you are doing at all. sex with a woman
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