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Dear Foxy: Riding the Q from Brighton Beach, there you were, on the opposite bench, surprisingly youthful and confident, but it was YOU alright. I am crying, still, now, as I write this, as I was so sure that I would never, ever you again. And there you were, on a rainy Monday evening…happy, whole.. All the things you were not or, rather really WERE, but that you just couldn't, blinded by life as you were. It was as if tonight I got to with my eyes what I always saw with my heart—YOU as a whole, not a full of holes… YOU under the mask you had to wear. Do remember, back in the day? everything is so different now. Cooper Union, the Day of Desperation, the camraderie despite the gloom, a pale glow now. I never, EVER, imagined I’d feel nostalgic for those days, and I certainly never entertained the thought I’d still be here, all these years later. And still alone. How was it possible that we found that happiness then, you were my first real friend, before we fell in and then, broke apart again. By accepting me for who I was, you taught me to accept myself. It always anguished me to know that you never learned to yourself the same way. I know I won't you on the other side, you always said that, in the end, you were so tired, you wouldn't be joining us in the afterlife, as you needed your rest after hard traveling the road you found here in this life. I know you won’t be reading this, but I needed to say hello, to say to someone: I still my friend, to say I am unspeakably grateful to have known you, and that you let me your ghost one time again. I KNOW it was you who fleshed out that boy’s body…then dissolved again into the dusk on Dekalb Avenue. I had to fight the need to speak to you—that poor kid would have rightly though I was crackers but that would have dispersed the spell, and although I didn’t know it, I needed to you again. I you know how much I still you all the time. Not a day goes by that I do not think about you. Sometimes it is full of sadness and sorrow, mostly gratitude because even then WE KNEW how lucky we were to have found each other. Always, YOURS, even when I’m not… white guy wants to lick your black pussydying. I have survived 20 years of and alcohol quit 20 years ago! I have survived over 30 years of smoking quit 4 years ago! I have survived a second, a new life sobriety. I have a 13 year old, the best reason I can think of to stick around (he was the reason I quit smoking cold turkey) I have started my own business, keeping it small, and enjoying the hell out of it. (I just need to get my name out there, I make lots of $$$, but not enough work yet) I had a trade for 30 years, painting houses, got nowhere with it, and it was me. My new business was not a midlife crisis, it was a midlife opportunity. I live in the country, away from city noise, lites, angry people. Look foward to driving down my dirt driveway, and the deer, geese, ducks, turkeys, squirels, and variety of birds, who frequent my yard. And to my river (yep, here it's mine) I don't take chances any more, and I'm always watching the other guy (while driving, as an example) explain no accidents (knock on wood) I keep it legal, explain only jail/tickets/etc, were during the drinking years. With all this, hell, my life be only half over. Or it could end tonite. But, I'm not worried about it. (another reason I live longer?) Like the guy said a few posts ago, enjoy life like it's your last day. Sounds good 50 years of enjoying life. I'm gonna try to think of that every day! One last thing, I like telling youngins who mock my age "I got one thing on you at least I won't die?" sex afair
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