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I'm trying not to repeat myself over and over, trying to hide how shitty I feel, because I know it just push him away, or throw dirt in the face of what he's currently expressing to me. I really wish I weren't like this. :/ All I can do is "fake it til you make it," it seems like. All I can do is just act like everything's as it ought to be until it is. I'm just afraid I'll never let go, never be able to believe him for an extended period of time. And that it come up someday in an argument, try as I might to avoid that type of thing. It's a flaw of mine, dredging. :( Last night when we had sex, he wanted me to mount him and I couldn't bear the idea of doing so. I couldn't bear looking at him while crushing him with my weight and being "in control." I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I know all the right ways to tell OTHER people to confront and overcome these feelings, but when I tell myself these things, it all rings so hollow. I guess I just can't get away from myself, and I am my own merciless enemy. 25801 ga looking for sexAnd about that part, "what I allow is what continue" is more true when the circumstances remain stable. Right now you're in a distance relationship, so as as you continue to allow this behavior IN the LTR, yes, it's likely to continue. But when you move back home and it's no longer LTR, the whole thing changes. What you allow from *that* point forward be what continues. So don't fret about it now. Some would say that in LDRs it's not really fair to either partner to limit their dating to just the LD partner. Not very realistic. So it's hard to endure and know that he might lose interest in you and take off with the new girl, but that is one of the risks of an LDR. It's part of the deal you signed up for. Consider that it's possible he's not losing interest in *you*, but losing interest in the difficulty of maintaining an LDR. Once you're back home, his interest level could change completely. You won't know until you're home. I might advise that you stop talking "incessantly" about his guilty feelings. You're both throwing a negative blanket over this whole relationship, because of circumstances out of your control. Ease up, focus on the positive, and harbor no ill feelings if either of you date others. Let it (the guilt talk) GO for now, and resolve to where things can progress once you're standing on the same dirt. interracial dating
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