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"The fact he is coming out is not bad.. it was just upsetting that his wife was totally unaware of it." Not to trivialize the situation, but that line strongly suggests that her reaction is mainly a response to a surprise. Even the nastiest surprise stops being surprising after a while; or to put in in other words, if she gives herself time, she'll get over her upset. For closeted men, it takes a lot of backbone to come out, so the husband's inability to confront the simple truth that he's queer, a dirty fag, a nasty fudgepacker, and he's going to break out in a pink feather boa any minute that inability is entirely understandable. Of course, as out men we know that none of those pejorative remarks are valid (except possibly the pink feather boa part), but it takes time to realize that being queer isn't the same as being some kind of subhuman. From where I sit, the most serious aspect of the situation looks to be the husband's drinking problem. If he asked me for my advice, I'll tell him to smell the coffee, admit he's queer (in some sense or other, whatever floats his boat), stop the drinking and dramatizing, realize he's acting out all the lies he's been told about gays, straighten up his back, and confront the future with a smile on his lips. "Acting out all the lies he's been told about gays." IOW, he's giving power to the people who promulgate those lies; is that what he wants, to let those cocksuckers control the way he leads his life? A better reaction is cold rage at being lied to. love the eye contact at laundry shopYou are acting as if what you think about this proposed meeting actually matters. Tell him that it's not up to you to decide his social life, and if he wants to meet up with his ex, it's fine by you. Say it with a smile and MEAN it. If you trust him, what's the big deal? (Aha, but you don't REALLY trust him THAT much, do you :-) If he spends time with her and decides that she is the one for him, then he was never really "yours" to begin with. Hard to face, but true better to know now than after you've wasted any more time with him. The flip side of the coin is that he spends time with her and realizes that he's happier with you. If I were you, I'd take that time to spend time with friends that you have been neglecting in the last or months. Plan a party. Tell your BF that he's welcome to bring his ex. :-) sensual massage
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