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Just would like to meet someone that is as happy to see me as my dogs are when I come home.
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I realized I was staying in crappy relationships in order not to be alone. I decided to take time off from dating, get counseling, read self-help books, etc. I felt like it helped me to make better choices and to have my self-esteem in a better place. It also helped when I started dating again, to know what I was looking for before I started looking. Before, I would date guys and think, "Well, that doesn't really match with me, but maybe I could learn to get used to it." When I was ready to start again, I made a list of my "must haves" and "can't stands" (e technique), and so I better knew what to reject outright and not waste my time. I was also more upfront about what I wanted. attractive successful funny laid back dude looking for a friend
I've seen really hardcore dynamics where punishment is really that, punishment. And I've seen dynamics where punishment is fun happy time, it depends on which you have I think. If punishment is fun happy time for you, then you might be encouraged to keep the behavior up wife s away so lets play- asexual and kinkless, which shifted to radical lesbian feminist separatist and kinkless (you know, where orgasms come from the bliss of imagining a utopia populated by women holding hands and singing near and ferron songs in perfect -), which shifted to lesbian feminist submissive in training (extreme yet extremely desexualized immersion into the world of bdsm; submission and dissociation went hand-in hand, so submission could take on a very performative feel; NB: dissociation went hand-in-hand with all sorts of benign, day-to-day things), which shifted to longterm kinkless and monogamous lesbian relationship, which shifted to immersion in trauma recovery work and celibacy with everyone other than myself, which included a great deal of fantasy work, which then shifted to kinkless sexual exploration with men, which shifted to hardcore and heavily sexual D/s relationship/exploration/experiences with a in which i learned to identify and seek and engage the pursuit/satisfaction of pleasure (idiosyncratiy bundled in physical, metal and emotional terms), and which served to burn away the last lingering effects of trauma that no amount of talk therapy would ever touch, which led to a sense of independence, womanliness, curiosity and sexual agency wherein i am most keenly turned on by the thought of thoroughly kinked up play that falls outside the rubric of D/s power exchange. so. in hypercompressed sum: the thoroughly imbricated, non-causal, ourobourotic relationship between the complete shaking up of the sno-globe of my erotic/sexual orientation/identification/attractions and years of hardcore digging around in the muck of my psyche to eradicate or transmute every last shred of evidence of trauma-born terror. must launch into my day, check back later audio sex
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