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- Awards It's time again for the annual '- Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the -'s in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That' s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stellas for the past year: * SEVENTH PLACE * Robertson of, Texas was awarded $80, by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own. Start scratching! * SIXTH PLACE *, 19, of Los , California won $74, plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Scratch some more . * FIFTH PLACE * Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $ , for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more lonely women Flanders, Ontario8:00. Wake up. Wonder where you are. 8:01. Realize you are lying on percent cotton sheets of at least a count, so don't panic; you're not slumming. 8:02. Realize you are actually in your own bed for a change. Wake stranger next to you and tell them you are late for work so won't be able to cook breakfast for them. Mutter "sorry" as you help him look for his far-flung underwear. You find out that you tore his boxers while ripping them off him last night, so you "-" him a pair of boxer-briefs, but not the new ones because you never intend to him again. 8:05. Tell the stranger, whose name eludes you, "It was fun. I'll give you a ," as you usher him out the door, avoiding his egregious morning-breath. 8:06. Crumple and dispose of the piece of paper with his telephone number on it when you get to the kitchen. 8:07. Make a high protein breakfast while watching the Today show. Wonder if the stories you've heard about Lauer are true. Decide they must be. 8:30. Italian or domestic? Decide to go with button Italian and the only shirt that is clean. 8:45. Climb into red Z4 and try not to look too much like driving one of her accessories as you pull out of your underground parking. Revos or Armanis? Go with Revos. 9:35. Stroll into office. 9:36. Close door to office and best friend and laugh about the guy who spent the night at your condo. Point out something annoying about best friend's boyfriend but quickly add "It doesn't matter what everyone thinks, just as as you him." 10:15. Leave office, telling your secretary you are "meeting with a client." Pretend not to notice her insubordinate roll of her eyes (or the cloying "poem" she has tacked to her cubicle wall). 10:30. Hair appointment for lowlights and cut. Purchase of Aveda anti-humectant pomade. 11:30. Run into personal trainer at gym. Pester him about getting you Human Growth Hormone. Spend 30 minutes talking to friends on your cell phone while using Strength machines, preparing a mental-matrix of which circuit parties everyone is going to and which are now passe. swinger wife
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