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most of that in the original post. You are married to an addict, which is it's own kind of hell. No wonder an affair seemed appealing. You need some serious help putting on foot in front of the other, if you are going to a lifestyle. You've been committed to a druggie for so, you probably haven't got a clue which end is up: exhibit A being an affair as a good thing. Leaving a shitty 20+ year marriage doesn't make you a quitter. You gave it a good try. Can you get to Al-anon or any other support group? Are you anywhere near a college? They usually have some type of affordable counseling. What about a priest or pastor? anr relationship san franciscoyour happiness? Making the responsible move to resolve a that includes him just opened an old wound. It'll heal again. Hopefully you made sure that nothing from your past with him need to be addressed after this. You're being harsh on yourself. foreign affair
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