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I honestly do not give two shits about pain. I am interested in the act of giving it and receiving it pain is just an inconsequential consequence ;) I used to think I was a pain slut but I am not really its the chaos and the near lack of control.. the hedonistic pursuit of it that drives me to do violent acts and have them done to me. Its the same drive that causes me to perform pleasurable acts and have them performed on me Most of the time, the attitude I need adjusted lies in my priorities of the moment. When I say I am solipsistic, I always mention that the word is not perfect for the usage, but I have nothing better. I believe firmly that the only things that are real are what is in you and sometimes I feel like what is in me is responding incorrectly to what it perceives stressors, needs, useless emotions, negativity things that build up with time and color my interaction with the outside world. Taking the time to step away from all those worldly connections to retreat into self is important but hard to achieve.. a good vicious beating can often drive you into a state where the outside ceases to matter as much as the inside and you can properly think without all the static combat, street fighting, near death experiences, extreme exhaustion and other things of that sort also off the same disconnect but not in as nearly a convenient package. mature woman Hollywood
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