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you are feeling sort of sorry for yourself and trying in your defense to justify fucking married men this is OK because as humans we try to make sense of things so not to shit on our own faces caus for sure if your sister or daughter was doing this, you would have judged a bit harsher even if you did not say it out loud. Now what do you do? Well, find what you want first! If you just want in and out of penis and vagina never talking cause you are soooo complete then, that is easy you already have that. If you want term, living together, marriage and such go online! there are fire fighters, and other men who do similar shift works and with your seniority you can manage to work and hard but have some days off that you choose. I think you are blaming your lack of judgement, wasting time and basiy accumulation nasty emotional baggages on to your job because again it is easier on your senses to believe your character is based on your job! I am going to suggest that for you to stop work fucking and treating men with disrespect (your attitude toward men is very prostitution like) you hate them! make you a great candidate to also talk to therapist to neutralize this. when you go out there with such a paranoia of thinking all men are assholes you fucked and worked with, most normal men ran for the hills and your age being 46 most assume you are beyond repair. Doing what you did left a stain on your heart and emotions, start meditating and forgiving yourself and expressing compassion to men out there and you different light fuck a single woman
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