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I have no expectations.
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Missing In Action m4w I feel pathetic sometimes when I reflect on how long it's been. But then I remember that I don't give a flying f because I am who I am and I feel how I feel. I need to get over you but you are everything I care for in a lady and so hopelessly rare to me. Unfortunately our relationship was doomed from the start- both starts- due to my addiction(s). I wish I had just one day to show you the real me. To show you that you didn't choose wrong with me, but rather came into my life at the worst of times. But unfortunately with all the bullshit and hurt I caused you, what hope could exist for such a chance. I don't know why I am writing this today or now when I live nowhere near you, but I spend a lot of sleepless nights imagining life as it could, and I think should, have been. I can be a really sweet guy when I'm not using, and today that is a gift I am afforded. But it seems a gift squandered without you to share it with. I felt a huge weight lifted from me the day you waved from across the street and we took that walk (after an initial near panic attack). Yet that moment was fleeting and as soon as it was over I seemed the worse off for it. It was but another tease of what I was missing, of whose arms I desired around me. And so began the depression again, like a wound reopened. If nothing else, I would seek the comfort of knowing that you are truly and spectacularly happy today. As happy as I should have seen fit to make you if only judgement were not previously clouded by addiction.
Much love always,
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