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I am not in your position, so take from this what you choose. In reading your reply regarding you family ties, combined with your church attendance and fear of intolerance, you need to get creative. From what you describe as your feelings about yourself and your internal responses to particular media images, I imagine you would do well to explore some of your self-image, gender identity, and sexual identity questions. To allow this to happen without interfering with the life you are currently living, you need to take a trip to another city to try out dressing differently and interacting in public in a different way. Not knowing where you live (I can Honolulu, but don't know if it's accurate), I have no idea of your options, but I have done something of this type. My husband and I chose to explore our kinkier, and due to my job, chose to do so in another city. I looked into events and clubs, we chose clothes to bring, made reservations, and went on an adventure. Knowing we were not in a city where we knew people, and were going to places where everyone was there for the same reason, really freed me up to feel comfortable exploring my "dark side". Very well worth it. So, you could look into some clubs catering to lesbian clientele or the LGBTQ community. You could look into local LGBTQ groups, and find some others to chat with. If you are in Honolulu, you could do something as simple as drive to a beach town a ways away, and take a walk on the beach in an outfit more fitting your self-image. Walk, sit and people watch, go to a restaurant or cafe, and think about your perceptions of others and their perception of you. One way or another, I believe you need to do something for yourself. You do not need to leave family and community ties behind, at least at first and not unless you choose to do so, but you need to know what it feels like to live life more comfortable in your own skin. bibored and horny in 97814
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