Rambling A over a year ago, I passed up the chance of having the one person I always wanted, because I wanted my freedom. I wanted just myself again, afer years of trying to love someone else, who was determined to erase my existence I guess we could say. I said mean, heartless things that I regret.I was drowning in mid air trying to the reality of everything happening around me, that I hurt the one person I never wanted to hurt. I think back to those conversations a lot of times I just want to cry, how could I let someone break me down so badly, that all I could say to the one person I actually loved was harsh, shattering words? How in the world did I let things get so out of control, that I couldnt even control myself? Then the hundreds of memories of the love I so wanted flashes through, its just.. a hurricane of mixed emotions.. Then I block everything out, its too overwhelming for me to deal with. Tears are not something I wish to shed. I couldnt apologize even though I want to, nothing I could say or do, could erase what I said and did. Time doesnt rewind, there are no do overs. All that because at the time, I wanted myself and my freedom. Well I got my freedom and myself. Turns out I've too much freedom these days. Most nights I lay awake with a thousand memories, words, or just random thoughts rambling through my mind, to fall asleep and dream of the love I once upon a time knew. I guess the upside is I dont dream every night, well not that i always re, but these days its that I sleep. Its crazy to me, that I gave up the chance because I wasnt exactly sure if what I believed I wanted was what I wanted or thoughts of someone else. Makes no sense im sure. But now that I've had this year to myself, the freedom of doing whatever I please, no one hounding me, or trying to change who I am, Ive realized a lot of things. Like that I always changed what I said I wanted in a guy over the years.. example "I don't like little guys I like bigger guys". Only I wasnt cl Array big tits La Montesettle own I'm looking for the guy who emailed me this morning said you were on you means to work you'd send me a after work I believe you said you were 5'6 I inadvertently deleted your in case you see this me again please I had wished to get to know you: ) are you open minded and looking to be spoiled men looking for men
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A Matter of Rape. naughty mom CasseltonI think I'm going to say something that not a lot of guys on this board are going to agree with But, based on my limited dealings with this board and men in general, maybe you and by extension, we are a little jaded. Perhaps we are dealing with a community where it is okay to "whore around", where sex is a "conquest"? Why must a nice guy remain a friend (I assume he's nice)? Why can't a "conquest" become something more, something more meaningful, or at least something other than a one night stand. Why does it frequently seem, based on personal experience and what is posted here, that sex and any other form of intimacy are mutually exclusive? "I got to get that hot stud", but never talk about meeting someone that one really gets along with. Are we just a culture of? Do we just that illusory Perfect Fuck? I mean, look at the bar scene look at everyone looking at everyone. Just looking. Not talking. LOL, and even I admit that this sounds so touchy-feely, artsy-fartsy, lets-all-hold-hands silly, especially to a New Yorker like myself. But I think that it has a kernal of truth. I think "Sexual Ecology" is a must read. Basiy it advocates taking that I dunno what to it that driving to find the perfect sex partner and try to start building lasting relationships. If one starts wanting something more and taking steps towards that, then that something more happen. It not be Perfect, but it can be good all the same. You just have to want it. AND give up chasing Go Go boys. :-) Okay, you all can excoriate me now girls having sex
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