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watch out for new friends girl not mom. And as the step parents she needs to coordinate things through him first. He is her husband. When it comes to two parents who div, the step parent has to respect the bio mom and dad. I do believe OP has the best interest of the, but having lunch is a bit too friendly and one that her husband is prepared for. Going ahead with it cause more problems, not just between mom and dad but now step mom and dad. Just because it's the right thing to do doesn't mean you just do it. Some things take time and you can't expect people just to get over it and make it happen. Sometimes you have to do some smoozing to make it happen. In this case, step mom needs to smooze with her husband. I do think what the op is doing right now is steps in the right direction, friendly, cordial, etc., and with time, their rl develop into a better one. OP just needs to let this happen. Look what happen when she told her hubby about the lunch??? You really think he's going to just get over it if step mom does the lunch with his ex? Nope, not gonna happen overnight.
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