Rambling A over a year ago, I passed up the chance of having the one person I always wanted, because I wanted my freedom. I wanted just myself again, afer years of trying to love someone else, who was determined to erase my existence I guess we could say. I said mean, heartless things that I regret.I was drowning in mid air trying to the reality of everything happening around me, that I hurt the one person I never wanted to hurt. I think back to those conversations a lot of times I just want to cry, how could I let someone break me down so badly, that all I could say to the one person I actually loved was harsh, shattering words? How in the world did I let things get so out of control, that I couldnt even control myself? Then the hundreds of memories of the love I so wanted flashes through, its just.. a hurricane of mixed emotions.. Then I block everything out, its too overwhelming for me to deal with. Tears are not something I wish to shed. I couldnt apologize even though I want to, nothing I could say or do, could erase what I said and did. Time doesnt rewind, there are no do overs. All that because at the time, I wanted myself and my freedom. Well I got my freedom and myself. Turns out I've too much freedom these days. Most nights I lay awake with a thousand memories, words, or just random thoughts rambling through my mind, to fall asleep and dream of the love I once upon a time knew. I guess the upside is I dont dream every night, well not that i always re, but these days its that I sleep. Its crazy to me, that I gave up the chance because I wasnt exactly sure if what I believed I wanted was what I wanted or thoughts of someone else. Makes no sense im sure. But now that I've had this year to myself, the freedom of doing whatever I please, no one hounding me, or trying to change who I am, Ive realized a lot of things. Like that I always changed what I said I wanted in a guy over the years.. example "I don't like little guys I like bigger guys". Only I wasnt cl Array looking for crystal from 21You Until the end of time, I'll be there for you-you know the rest of the song. I can't hear that song ( and lots of others) without thinking of you. I know you are trying to do the "right" things in your life, but are you sure I'm not supposed to be a part of those things?! So much was left unsaid and unfinished with us, largely due to me trying to do the "right" thing with the WRONG person. If nothing else, I just want to see you with my own eyes while we're both still living..I miss you tons! T chinese girls Broken Arrow love and dating
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Looking to meet new faces to help stay positive and become a better me Just moved back home after a 4 year relationship with a guy who I now only care for as my friend yet stayed with, out of fear of being alone.I thought I was just getting older and that there was no one else for me because before him I didn't have much luck with guys.I'm trying to put myself first now because my biggest downfall was putting him first and I forgot to take care of me to be.even though me and him have recently broke up our relationship as a couple was always breaking up and getting back together we thought at one point we wanted it to work but hurt each other in the process and that just led to not loving each other like lovers but caring about each other only as friends.I need to get myself more friends and enjoy life for me I'm 27 and have no. and even though I thought that time is running out for me its not I just haven't used my time correctly
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