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First, I want you to know that I am a standup girl and will try to remember to open doors for you (if you want), let you order first, and will back you up with your friends or the drunk person at the end of the bar. But I want you to keep something in mind when you yell out the window at the guy who just cut us off trying to park in front of the restaurant or try to scratch the eyes out of the model/kickboxing instructor/Amazon that bumped into you and made you spill your cosmopolitan all over your new Kate Spade. No matter how reserved I am, it is not you that is going to get into a fight, it is me. That guy is going to pull me out of the car and use my retroperotineal organs to break open the nearest parking meter. And the Amazon? You didn't notice her date, Jean-Claude Forgot-to-touch-the-monolith. When I step in, he's going to pound my head like I'm a pinata filled with Ben Franklins and back copies of "Barely Legal" that he lost when the villagers chased him out of the last castle he occupied. You will not get another date because the only thing less attractive than a girl who gets Nikki Hilton drunk and shouts at people is one that asks me for money for dry cleaning to get my hemoglobin out of her tribal skirt.
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