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Trying to get it all at the same time is the problem. When you realize in your gut that you are trying to grab too much at once and are never going to be able to retain it all, you possibly have made the first step in resolving your dilemma, by deciding what's most important. I think if you actually managed to domesticate your outside lover to the point where you could trust him utterly, you'd get bored, just as you probably are with your presumably loyal husband. Being jealous of him is your self-defeating way of seeking extra reassurance and creating a little extra drama to make it more exciting. But maybe it's not as self-defeating as it seems. Maybe you're unconsciously shooting the affair in the foot because you know you belong at home. Maybe your jealous roiling gut is telling you that you need to quit this before you neglect your spouse and any further, and cause any more pain. Think about it. searching for best friend soulmate
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