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Lying to myself I keep telling myself that it will get easier and that every day I am getting a bit stronger. For the record I am getting really good at lying to myself. Waking up around 6, as I do nearly every morning these days; my head full of you and the foolish notion that I might hear a certain sound in the distance, I knew I should probably start my day. After all, once memories of us start flooding my brain, sleep is a distant memory. Since I knew that you would not be walking through my door and needing some music , I turned on my phone only to hear a song about needing you now (a song I have avoided at all costs for months). It was then that I buried my head in my pillow..funny after all these months it still smells like you. Hell, I even put Diet Coke in my drink this morning, as if it was the most normal action in the world. That in itself should speak volumes about where my mind is at. To be honest, I knew then that I was going to have to give into the memories and let the day take me where it will. Perfect mornings, first kisses and lunches among the just to name a few. Missing the catch in your breath when you move in for a kiss, the way your hands fist in my hair when I am next to you and the way your eyes always see right into my soul to name a few more. Every moment, stressful, tense and even having convos that neither you or I ever want to repeat are waging inside my head today and I can't shut them off..I suppose I should stop trying to hide from them. Yesterday, I watched you drive by continually. I saw you glancing my way and looking like a hot mess in shades, your strong arms glistening in the sun. You should know I wanted you to stop. I wanted to run to the door and into your arms. I hate this. I hate all of it. You think I walked away, I think you walked away..when in reality neither of us went anywhere. I love you and I miss you. You have no idea how much I want to hear your voice telling me that we are going to figure all of this out. Ran
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I just got my "last months rent" back from my old landlord. It was unexpected, but very much needed. Now I can pay off some bills and be less stressed. I'm grateful for my and their health (touch wood?) and I am grateful for new friends in my life who are forcing me out of my safe bubble that I like to hide in.. I am grateful for things, and even though I have my share of setbacks, disappointments and hurt, life is good Good luck with all that snow. When you've had enough, send it up to Canada My dog thank you :) hot Dolwyddelan pussyIn the last few days- Surprise party for my 41st birthday- (well, kind of a surprise, my 4 year old said the night before, "Mama, tomorrow we're all going to jump out and yell surprise at you!" that gave me a hint-)which was awesome- great friends, fun times, it was sweet, felt very loved- my partner went ALL out, with a rotating disco ball bubble machine pinata (which I wouldn't let us break because it was TOO cute I am saving it it is a pastel unicorn!!!!) and Pin the Tail on the Donkey which was intersting to watch a bunch of older folks (and my and a couple friends of theirs) play and it was lovely- she got me my dream BBQ*)*)! and then having quality romantic time and seeing and then today Watsonville pride, the girls I marched- and then my spiritual retreat thingie for several hours- *sigh* ALL I want to do is READ and binge on Doritos cottage cheese *yum*)!!!!!!!!!! Best wishes all, - dating point
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