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- asexual and kinkless, which shifted to radical lesbian feminist separatist and kinkless (you know, where orgasms come from the bliss of imagining a utopia populated by women holding hands and singing near and ferron songs in perfect -), which shifted to lesbian feminist submissive in training (extreme yet extremely desexualized immersion into the world of bdsm; submission and dissociation went hand-in hand, so submission could take on a very performative feel; NB: dissociation went hand-in-hand with all sorts of benign, day-to-day things), which shifted to longterm kinkless and monogamous lesbian relationship, which shifted to immersion in trauma recovery work and celibacy with everyone other than myself, which included a great deal of fantasy work, which then shifted to kinkless sexual exploration with men, which shifted to hardcore and heavily sexual D/s relationship/exploration/experiences with a in which i learned to identify and seek and engage the pursuit/satisfaction of pleasure (idiosyncratiy bundled in physical, metal and emotional terms), and which served to burn away the last lingering effects of trauma that no amount of talk therapy would ever touch, which led to a sense of independence, womanliness, curiosity and sexual agency wherein i am most keenly turned on by the thought of thoroughly kinked up play that falls outside the rubric of D/s power exchange. so. in hypercompressed sum: the thoroughly imbricated, non-causal, ourobourotic relationship between the complete shaking up of the sno-globe of my erotic/sexual orientation/identification/attractions and years of hardcore digging around in the muck of my psyche to eradicate or transmute every last shred of evidence of trauma-born terror. must launch into my day, check back later fuck either or both of you wshe got on a plane and took the two somewhere. probably california. did it while i was at work, i think. i am dumbstruck and in tears. i have myself to blame. i told her i wanted a divorce before i had filed a motion in court. she's gone. im glad she's gone. i our two so dearly. everything in our house is quiet and loud. she left most of the toys and clothes and pictures. last night i was singing cartoon songs with my one-year-old daughter. today she is nowhere. tomorrow my two-year-old has soccer practice. he's gone. I them getting into trouble and their cute little words. my wife was never a wife. sometimes she was. she tried. we tried. she was awful and brave. i can't stand her and i her. she hasn't ed me all day. i haven't ed her. i the. i held both of them when they were born. i put up with her manic paranoid delusions during pregnancy. she aborted our third. I caught her having cybersex on yoville. i wished i'd never met her. everything in this house is soaked with years of our lives. i took it all for granted. i don't want these two to forget who i am. i have so much time. maybe ill start jogging, or get back into. how can i be here without them? how can i not enjoy all this free time? I am attached to the idea that she and they do what i can be happy about. who am i without my wife and? without my wife i am single and well-adjusted and happy. without my i am pitiful and disturbed and too so lonesome. all i have is memories; and they hurt. audio sex
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