Trying to block it all out My heart hurts today because of you. I'm good at blocking things out but today I can't. Array fit trim mwm 4 lady 60 70To who used to work at Toys R' Us (like, 10 years ago) The thing about regret is that it sometimes takes a decent decade to manifest. You don't see it coming until you have enough perspective to peel back a few years and remember that bright, sunshine-baked corner beside Toys R' Us where we used to smoke cigarettes on our breaks and you realize that some decisions either open or close doors. You don't know this because the sound of the lock clicking takes a while to reach the ears, and you definitely don't hear it at eighteen. I don't know why I thought of you last night. It's been such a very long time; the last glimpse caught one afternoon a few years back while getting off the 211 while you were getting on. I was coming home to visit my parents, I think, and there you were. Same place. Same neighbourhood, waiting for my bus not in the metaphorical, but the literal and I thought you never moved on or moved out, but I never had the chance to ask: I was too surprised and embarrassed to after you as you got on and the doors shut behind you. I was like a fucking ninja; a shadow pulling her hood up. You never saw me. I wouldn't have been able to meet your eyes anyway. I'm sure that you're happily married with a couple of by now. I expect that someone smarter than me snatched you up and held on, sticking a into that leather cuff you used to wear so they could hold on, playful and , just in case you decided in that quiet way of yours you wanted to break free. In my youth and idiocy I was renowned for bad decisions. A former friend once said that I only made terrible ones, and she capitalized it: Only Makes Bad Decisions. I realized, lying awake last night in my apartment, that had I not completely fucked everything up had I just shown up that morning when you'd gone to to wait for me before class, had I not hit the snooze on my alarm, had I not gotten drunk and confessed everything about my stupid decision making process days later, I might've shut the door on the looking for real freak woman or couple fwb sex
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all turtles are slow- even you. I want you to know that the decision I made did not come easy. I missed you and think of you often still. When I came over that night, I did not know what was to come. Running on instinct isn't always the best for me. I always remember those Thursday nights with a nostalgic longing. I wanted those nights back; for things to return to how they were. But this last time I realized that wasn't to be. It wasn't the same. I still haven't figured out why. Maybe it is because of all the ups and downs we have had. Or perhaps it was because I was conflicted about him. Whatever the reason I have chose to trust that things worked out the way they did for a reason. I know you disagree. I may be wrong. But I remain believing in the notion that 'if we were meant to be, then we would already be.' Plus, I do not want to short change him at all. He is a good man. We may have some communication failures at times and less passion than you and I, but he encourages me to pursue even when all I want to do is run. So for that I am grateful. He deserves more than I can give him. Especially since some of me will always be with you. I just pray this decision won't come with later regret.
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