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First of all. never compare yourself with others. Especially, NEVER compare your INSIDES with someone -'s OUTSIDES! That can only drag ya down! This is the time of life to give up worrying about what people think and to feel confident in your own feelings and just be rooted in your own experience. The aging process has it so that we naturally become more reflective. Now, I hate the term 'depression', because the term is rooted in the medical establishment, which I abhore! The term conjures up 'RUN to the doctor and get MEDS!'. That having been said, I do sense a little depression from your post(?) maybe some sadness, and perhaps a little lethargy? If I'm on the right track, then I'd suggest you first start with your body (we should always start with the body!) cut out sugar and caffeine and alcohol for starters. Go to health food stores and the library, and enjoy learning about rejuvination. The nature of the mind is punishing, so be careful thru all this, to tell the mind to have a rest! It's also Fall time, and this is the time of year where if there is any unfinished business (and whoooaa, we all have mountians of IT!), including sadness, disappointments, etc., then we sure feel it in a most powerful way at this time of year. That's all for now. I literally have to RUN! Take great care, and Big to YOU! PS: To my fans and to my detractors: I was up at 4. today and I accomplished a *****TON***** of stuff towards my new venure! I'm on ***FIRE***. So THAT is why I'm posting, even tho I said I'd be too busy! If ya don't like it, then 'F' ya's all!!! *****LOL older women 63363After awhile, relationships are addictive. That can be a good thing when they're good and a terrible thing when they're abusive. I was in an abusive relationship/marriage that lasted 7 years. I should have left after 6 months, and I didn't. I regret that wasted time because it was very damaging to my self-esteem, though I am happy to say that my life has improved dramatiy in recent years with therapy and a heck of a lot of work on me. I worry that by sleeping with him occasionally and staying in a place where he can get a hold of you, you are never really allowing yourself to cauterize this oozing wound. I don't think you can start to move forward until he is out of the picture completely and for good. Why not change your number, change your, etc? I think that things start to feel better when you can admit that what you had was NOT good, because a good relationship is predictable most of the time. Sure, occasionally someone goes to the hospital or loses their job and freaks out a little, but it is NOT "good lover/friend one minute, sucking your bank account dry for the next." That's a user and a parasite. Those behaviors where he is a good lover/friend are what he NEEDS to do in order to keep you around to feed his addiction. Even if this have redeemable qualities, I don't think he sounds capable of being a good partner. This wish that he would die is you knowing you have to get out of this mess, but wanting someone (. fate, God, a dump truck) to do it for you. Unfortunately, YOU are the one who has to disentangle yourself from this mentally, because sadly, I suspect that even if he DID die, you would still be messed up in the head over him. Have you tried therapy? Have you tried books at the library over abusive relationships? There's a good one ed "But he never hit me." I know yours hit you (and mine hit me), but it does a good job of going into the damage that emotional can do to the victim's psyche. married seeking
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