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I actually know quiet a bit about buddhism, in the scholarly sense. I have studied it extensively in college and grad school. It is amazing how you can study something and understand it intellectually but not "get" it. I "got" it for the first time when my grandmother died. I had an amazing vision of a girl being born and somehow "knowing" that the soul of my grandmother was being reborn. Maybe it was searching for some sort of solace and comfort, maybe it was wishful thinking, but it came to me without conscious thought my unconscious taking everythign I studied and all the crap with Catholic bull that I had been struggling against and it just worked for me. One of the very few unconscious religious moments or awakenings I have ever had. But I struggle with societal acceptance in my suburban New England town. I have a spouse whom I dearly, but doesn't understand or want our (being raised by lesbians) to be buddhist and be even weirder. There are no temples, no communities of Buddhists near me that have any vibrance. Finding a buddhist community, never mind a particular sect, would be difficult. UU appeals to me. It has the meditative qualities that I am looking for. It allows for the individuals own path to the divine. I am strugglng with accepting human flaws right now I recently moved. I had been attending a UU church and was very moved each service by the reverand. FOr some reason, the UU church closest to my new house is lackluster. Small congregation and for the past two weeks, lay leaders have been running it and it has failed to move me too much ego dripping out of them. So, still I search. i look good but dont expect beautiful womanMoving out of rental house in two days, can't wait. Neighbors always having loud parties. They were all out on their porch again last night. We're friendly with each other and sometimes out but I need some peace. There is a privacy fence between us, our back porches face each other and are very close. My porch has a roof over it. I've set outside on a few occasions when they were out there. I leave all the lights out and with all their lights on, it's like a one way mirror, even with the spaces in the fence boards, they can't me or even know I'm there. Last night I had a few cocktails and was feeling daring. I went out on the porch and threw a piece of rope up and over two rafters of the porch roof. I then tied a couple of slip knot loops at the ends of the rope. The loops were big enough for me to slip my hands through and way up over my head. The fact that there were two rafter separating the rope ends meant I would be able to reach one hand with the other. I put a step stool near by but not close enough to stand on. Went back inside and stripped, then wrapped a bath towel around myself. Went back out on the porch, they were all out there but couldn't me and I was being quiet. I reached up and slipped both hands through the loops and tightened up the knots. I was trapped there with no way to free myself in that position. After a few seconds, I wiggled around a little and the towel fell off leaving being tied up and naked. I was so excited and it was such a rush being helpless, naked and knowing all those people were right on the other side. I got a huge boner. After a while I decided to free myself. I reached over with one of my feet and started pulling the step stool over. It tipped over and made a noise and I heard someone ask "what was that". Kind of freaked me out and I thought they were going to walk to the end of the yard and look around the corner at me. I hurried up, scooted the stool over, climbed up and freed myself. Went inside and no sooner had I got dressed when neighbors wife knocks on door saying they heard me outside (heart pounding because I thought they saw me)and wonders if I want to come over (phew, false alarm). Thankfully declined, closed the door and jacked the fuck off. married women seeking men
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