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about the touch issues. Does anyone touch you, during a typical week? I think you're all kinds of crazy but touch-deprivation could be a part of it. Get a manicure. It look nice and someone touch the heck out of you for an hour, hand and arm massages, business like skin on skin. But when you are deprived it can make you feel sane again. A gentleman's manicure, if you don't know about those. (No polish ) Then find some therapy. It's worth the money. Your attraction to this girl you barely know is toxic and unnatural. don't feed it. Distract yourself. Cut all contact. And just plain leave the poor girl alone: you are just focusing on her to distract yourself from some inner pain you don't want to face. You don't necessarily have to face it; but you have to fill your hours with activities so that you can become grounded and normalized. You are way off balance. Swing dance., inexpensive, good exercise, they usually give dance lessons around 8 and go until 11 so it isn't outside a work schedule, and you change partners every round and people touch hands arms and backs. Your head spins around a lot so it be easier not to think or fall into your obsession. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or old folks home, lots of other lonely people who can help your perspective. Are you getting what other people are saying, about how creepy this is? Do you count the hours between other events of your life? Chemistry labs? Eating artichokes? Seeing a bluebird? Hayward dating HaywardThe Best Cigarette There are that I having sent my last one out a car window sparking along the road one night, years ago. The heralded one, of course: after sex, the two glowing tips now the lights of a single ship; at the end of a dinner with more wine to come and a smoke ring coasting into the chandelier; or on a white beach, holding one with fingers still wet from a swim. How bittersweet these punctuations of flame and gesture; but the best were on those mornings when I would have a little something going in the typewriter, the bright in the windows, maybe some Berlioz on in the background. I would go into the kitchen for coffee and on the way back to the, curled in its roller, I would light one up and feel its dry rush mix with the dark taste of coffee. Then I would be my own locomotive, trailing behind me as I returned to work little puffs of smoke, indicators of progress, signs of industry and thought, the signal that told the nineteenth century it was moving forward. That was the best cigarette, when I would steam into the study full of vaporous and stand there, the big headlamp of my face pointed down at all the words in parallel lines. Collins original dating
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