Rambling A over a year ago, I passed up the chance of having the one person I always wanted, because I wanted my freedom. I wanted just myself again, afer years of trying to love someone else, who was determined to erase my existence I guess we could say. I said mean, heartless things that I regret.I was drowning in mid air trying to the reality of everything happening around me, that I hurt the one person I never wanted to hurt. I think back to those conversations a lot of times I just want to cry, how could I let someone break me down so badly, that all I could say to the one person I actually loved was harsh, shattering words? How in the world did I let things get so out of control, that I couldnt even control myself? Then the hundreds of memories of the love I so wanted flashes through, its just.. a hurricane of mixed emotions.. Then I block everything out, its too overwhelming for me to deal with. Tears are not something I wish to shed. I couldnt apologize even though I want to, nothing I could say or do, could erase what I said and did. Time doesnt rewind, there are no do overs. All that because at the time, I wanted myself and my freedom. Well I got my freedom and myself. Turns out I've too much freedom these days. Most nights I lay awake with a thousand memories, words, or just random thoughts rambling through my mind, to fall asleep and dream of the love I once upon a time knew. I guess the upside is I dont dream every night, well not that i always re, but these days its that I sleep. Its crazy to me, that I gave up the chance because I wasnt exactly sure if what I believed I wanted was what I wanted or thoughts of someone else. Makes no sense im sure. But now that I've had this year to myself, the freedom of doing whatever I please, no one hounding me, or trying to change who I am, Ive realized a lot of things. Like that I always changed what I said I wanted in a guy over the years.. example "I don't like little guys I like bigger guys". Only I wasnt cl Array horny black dOnly Sincere, Educated Men Please Apply Ok, guys here it goes. Im confused about men, they say one thing and really mean another. I am not looking for an NSA or FWB relationship. Whats up with guys just wanting sex and not dating? I mean if all you want is sex i'm sure you can go out and get it, but if you want substance need to date and find out more about the person, don't you agree. I don't want to someone forever, i would like to , then talk on the , and finally meet. Really its not hard! A few things about me, I do not have alot of time for dating, so i am looking for a man who doesn't need a lbs, brown hair and eyes, I am not thin, I am curvy, have been told sexy, great kisser, very funny and super sarcastic. I would like you to be handsome, intelligent, sense of humor, tall, non clingy, have a life, and over all nice guy. man looking for hot body online matchmaking
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