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I found out from my vociferously ignorant neighbor that Deirdre has a new boyfriend. There was that initial feeling being replaced, of being bettered, of not being good enough, of wanting to lash out, of wanting to sulk in, I tried to rationalize it, mindspeaking that she will break up with him, that he's probably not as good as me, in this way or that. Perhaps I could swash this fly of a man. How dare..
That is all so pathetic. Those acid malice fulled emotions. I would like to say, being such an awesome charlie sheen of a man, that I pushed those negative selfish emotions away and they never came back. They come back. I get angry and thin, as if someone is holding my emotions up against the wall, as if my emotional well is being run dry, as if she broke my loving.
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For one thing, I have to be upfront and tell you that I do not believe in "self-esteem". Or, rather, I think the term has been misused to the point where it's hard to recognize. I think gelg is correct, in that self-esteem is more a matter of in one's own competency and assurance that one is capable of solving the problems that life throws at you. How does one develop that sense of competency and assurance? By doing it over and over and over again. By failing, sometimes, and realizing that you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get moving again after a disappointment either being fired, losing a relationship, not achieving a goal, etc. EVERYONE fails at some point in life, and it's what we learn from those failures that help us succeed in future endeavors. And here's the problem: There's a whole generation of whose parents brought them up afraid to allow them to fail, because they were afraid that it would "damage their self esteem." What we're now seeing is the result of that well-meaning but misguided notion people grew up under a false series of life "successes" where they were constantly told how wonderful they were. You know the philosophy: No one is allowed to lose, that's why everyone gets a trophy. Their ability to figure out ways around obstacles was never challenged, and when they finally DO face some kind of failure, they fall apart. Then there's the aspect of being inner-driven, rather than outwardly-driven. Outwardly-driven people spend a great deal of time worrying about what other people think about them, and trying to gain the approval of others even if that so-ed "approval" is fleeting or superficial, and sometimes, not even good for the person (.,). How can anyone have 'self' confidence when everything they do, think or feel is dictated by others? There is no sense of "self" they simply become mirrors. There's more but that's the basics. how about it on this lovely sunday
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