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1. Going commando is fine at home, but I usually wear jeans to work and I dont like the chafe.. 2. The house is spanking clean besides the laundry, I am all caught up, even though when I was sick before he got it, he didnt do any of my thiings and just let dishes and dirt pile up. I got better and did all my chores and his laundry when he was sick. 3. DH is not out of clothes because he wears a uniform to work and they are washed by a service (when he remembers to take them in, which he usually doesn't, which is why laundry became his chore) 4. I toy with the idea of hiring a cleaner every now and then, but if he just did some, just the little stuff I ask, I wouldnt need one because I can almost handle the workload myself. The bottom line is, he is making me try wayyyy too hard for his participation and what little help he gives. Ive been over it a million different ways and times, trying this and that, nothing works. Its like he's determined to make me give up that he'll help out. He is such a great guy, but this one thing really really really gets to me, really really. I think if the laundry isnt done by this weekend, I'll take it all to a laundrymat and let him pay the thirty bucks it cost because he didnt do it. And tonight, I am washing me and my sons clothes only. wanting a discrete romance a special kindI'm trying not to repeat myself over and over, trying to hide how shitty I feel, because I know it just push him away, or throw dirt in the face of what he's currently expressing to me. I really wish I weren't like this. :/ All I can do is "fake it til you make it," it seems like. All I can do is just act like everything's as it ought to be until it is. I'm just afraid I'll never let go, never be able to believe him for an extended period of time. And that it come up someday in an argument, try as I might to avoid that type of thing. It's a flaw of mine, dredging. :( Last night when we had sex, he wanted me to mount him and I couldn't bear the idea of doing so. I couldn't bear looking at him while crushing him with my weight and being "in control." I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I know all the right ways to tell OTHER people to confront and overcome these feelings, but when I tell myself these things, it all rings so hollow. I guess I just can't get away from myself, and I am my own merciless enemy. exclusive dating
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