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Several years ago my wife (girlfriend at the time) cheated on me. Initially I told her to get the HELL OUT but I let her talk me into giving her another. I made one stipulation and that was this guy (her ex-boyfriend) could NEVER be a part of her life again and if she ever allowed him back in, it was an instant kill switch for our relationship. Don’t get me the wrong, I am absolutely not the controlling type, but I told her that if she really wanted to repair the trust in our relationship, she can’t him ever again. I just don’t feel like that too much to ask. While she gladly agreed to this at the time, she always told me that making that stipulation was demeaning and showed her I did not REALLY trust here. After 13 years of being together, one year old, and her being months pregnant with our second, I found out she had taken a couple days off work to meet up with this old boyfriend (she had a nice little cover story for me). (Funny little note The second day she was out with him, I came home with dinner and flowers)This was absolutely devastating to me and though she had not actually (physiy) cheated on me, I knew there was no coming back from this. We ended up getting a divorce a few months back now but I’m really not yet over her, I loved her more than anything in life and I’m still trying to reground myself. What I’m really wondering about here is… Was I wrong in saying she could NEVER him again? I don’t feel like that was too much to ask but is seems like it had forever marred our relationship (at least for her)… She actually used this one rule to say I never trusted her which was always very untrue. She had her own friends and girls nights out all the time, I never once questioned her or gave her a hard time. Was this my fault? Rochester New York discreet sexYou know what you're seeing? You are at the stage where putting the best foot forward is no longer the reality. Each of you is starting to show who they really are, oh you're trying to still play the game to an extent, molding your behavior because you're afraid of her reacting to the compliments is an example of it. Only problem with that game is that you can't sustain it, takes too much energy. You know, the only person who really gets us is ourself. You have to communicate that, it's not fair to do it in codes like sarcasm to cover it up. That's a way of avoiding the consequences of what you say, using the "well if you got me you'd understand" bullshit is just that. This is coming from a person with a sarcastic sense of humor. If you want her to "get" you, YOU have to allow her to. That means showing what you really mean, not keep her guessing. Address the real issues in a real sense and use your humor to point out the ironies of life. You probably do need to change your ways to an extent, at least your attitude in placing the responsibility of everyone to figure you out on them or it lead to a lot of issues down the road, not just this relationship. So this is what you do, TALK to her. Just like you've done here to a bunch of people you don't know. Without sarcasm and the cover that it provides so that you SHOW her the real you. No fear and let the chips fall. Your compliments are true and heartfelt right? TELL HER, you're making her figure it out when you'll use sarcasm in one instance and then turn around and do the deadpan dark shit on her the next. Let her know the compliments are going to come, because you think she has qualities you like. NEVER use those against her later in some sarcastic tone. Give it a shot dating for professionals
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