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where your boundaries are and I certainly she's team "us" (you and your wife) and not "I'm on the neutral fence with my mom" (I was married to a momma's boy and know how frustrating it is when your spouse doesn't take YOUR side). Ignore your MIL's demands: what your wife thinks of you is all that should matter. And as someone who tried fruitlessly to please my MIL (when I was still married) by being the "perfect wife/mother/housekeeper/cook/people-pleaser" it was never good enough. The over-bearing parents are control freaks whose standards are so high, no mere mortal can reach them. They always find some flaw to point out, instead of appreciate your good points. Your wife seems like she's struggling with the adjustment from footloose and fancy free -/teenager to wife and responsible adult. You'll have to sit down and discuss your terms of what you'd like to accomplish together and restrictions on frivolous spending. In my marriage, there was an agreement where if we were about to purchase something for around $ or more, we had to and confirm with the other first. I kept my end of that bargain while my ex spent thousands in secret (since he had control of the money and didn't show me his cc statements). The MIL has to leave the equation otherwise you're going to end up in Splittsville. Tell your wife she can decide what she wants: to continue being an obedient, coddled or the wife who is a team member in the marriage. And for goodness sakes why can't she clean house? No? Sheesh! That would be a to clean house only grown ups to clean up after! danish naughty girl wtih Wooster mana book ed: "ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life" I began reading this book to mentally prepare for a visit to my dad's place, to make the first dent in tackling the parental hoarding situation. I also discussed the dynamics of hoarding with a psychologist and read about it on-line. I've seen a few programs on TV. An actual hoarder needs to be dealt with differently than a normal person. Guilt, shame, nagging, complaining does not work. They have layers of rationalizations that don't make sense to a normal person. For example, a stack of newspapers might be ed "a work station". Mom refused to discuss the hoarding mess, she would disolve into tears and then not talk to us for 9 months if it was brought up. I agree with the person who said the outside mess is a reflection of chaos on the inside. This is a complicated mental illness, some cross between OCD, ADD, depression and such. When dealing with a couple like my parents, it is further complicated by his resistance to change (he's used to living in the mess), criticizing, and the co-dependent lack of boundaries set in place over a 60 year marriage. My mother passed in so we are now facing the hurdle and burden of the clean up process, with, respect and, a ton of and a lot of psychological tactics to approach this one step at a time. However, you said that the GF is NOT a full blown hoarder. So, reading the book is a good place to start. There are genuine tips in it that can be helpful to tackling a big mess. Book also covers concepts like overwhelm, micro-focus, setting priorities, etc. I prefer the strategy of tackling stuff strategiy rather than one enormous clean out. It be interesting to if GF takes any steps toward bringing better organization to her life. And I'd wait to if she goes to counseling. Learning how to organize her life greatly benefit both her and her. The question is, do you have the, respect and to want to go through this process with her? I you at least try. After all, sometimes people come into our lives to be a catalyst for change. However, if you are a super neat freak, or tend to complain to get a person's agreement or compliance, then I'd explain to the GF that you are opposites in this regard, it is a deal breaker. sugar babies
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