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dinner and laughs tonight sounds VERY similar and makes sense that he was expecting it stayed afterwards for more than an hour just cuddling, lying prone and asking me to massage his back, saying we should stay in touch, etc. I think I can in until next time (less than a week from now). I'm not really depressed or, bottom line is I'm in a mild state of shock when I remember what he did to me, the element of sheer domination that actually physiy made me helpless (even though I wanted it and I knew deep down that I had control if I wanted him to stop), and the thought of voluntarily putting myself in that situation again, without the benefit of (now) having the endorphins to go along with those thoughts is a little scary. fuck and sucktoday
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