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If you have and a family together, then no, I don't think you should tell him. The guilt is yours to bear, and that is your punishment (if you really feel guilty which you should). If you don't have, and aren't married they HELL YES you tell him! You effed up, and he deerves to know! You're robbing him of his dignity if you don't, and that's vile. X craving a big girlYou thought I was speaking sarcastiy (I wasn't particularly, but I'm flattered that you'd think so). I think both sides are right. I think the OP is trying to have a weird, untenable split between people, where ordinary straight folks are unforgiving and misunderstanding, intolerant, etc. but lesbians are somehow "supposed" to be different and welcoming and. But that doesn't make any sense at all like I said, lesbians are regular folks, and regular folks feel flattered and safe when they are surrounded by people who look and act like them. This isn't inherently bad, but it is a precarious position, because it can easily slide into becoming hostile or unfriendly to people who don't provide that comfort through similarity. And then we start slipping into the realm of douchebaggery. The way I it, if you don't like this particular flavor of douchiness, you can make a conscious effort to avoid it in yourself do your best to understand other people on their own terms, look for points of similarity that allow you to relate to them and understand them but also bear in mind what makes them different. But of course the minute you try to force other people to stop being douchey in this way by censuring them or rejecting them, you're coming very close to doing exactly what pissed you off so bad in the first place! So I think you're right. The best way to do that that I've figured out so far is to lead by example. Command respect by having it in yourself and telegraphing that to other people simply through being confident and self-assured. Recognize that even the douchey people can rise to the occasion under the right circumstances (and do your best to figure out what those are for each person and bring out the best in them). At any rate, all that is dang hard (at least for me I know it comes more naturally to some folks), which is to say that one always be disappointed in oneself and others. But this is why people like being around good, solid people so much restores one's in humanity, makes one want to be better. It's like cultivating a little garden of awesome all around oneself. couples have sex
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