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hot-button issues by specifying the specifics. A therapist suggested I do that to defuse an issue that was a source of chronic conflict in my family. It worked extremely well: peace broke out within a week. So I know EXACTLY why you don't want to leave any aspect of the issue open to interpretation. Our conflict was similar: Party A (me!) felt Parties B, C, and D weren't trying hard enough to meet/prepare for a specific annual obligation. Party A found herself voicing resentment six months before and six months after said annual obligation. The resentment grew stronger each year, which led to heated rehashes of who did what when last year, and the year before, and the year before. I'm ashamed it went on so. The therapist forced me to be specific: What precisely did I want? By what date would task X need to be completed for me to recognize sufficient progress? By what dates would tasks Y and Z need to be completed for me to recognize sufficient progress? She had me write a contract. The other parties were free to ask for modifications in advance; but once signed, it was gonna be "official procedure" and I was to shut-up, back-off, and mind my own business, as as the conditions/deadlines in the contract were met. Miraculous! Plenty of tasks continued to be completed at the last minute, but I kept my part of the deal by shutting up; and others kept theirs by meeting the deadlines we'd agreed on. Obviously, it would be ridiculous to use this technique in ALL matters. But IMO it is a great way to clarify and defuse a CHRONIC issue. So, I totally understand where you're coming from. *** That said, I still want to encourage you to negotiate something that WORKS. I could be wrong, but I read a few of your posts as hoping overkill fail, your husband be sorry he ever suggested this, and you'll be off the hook forever. A lot of posters to the whole idea, but I don't think they understand. You and I both know your MIL ain't going away. Your husband's not going to disown her or stop wanting you to accept what he and she (consciously or subconsciously) view as her rightful role as matriarch. SO, while I understand your to heed the "letter of the law," I caution you against using it to sabotage a request that seems outlandish to Americans, but ANY Indian would well understand. adult fun chating Nora Indiana
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