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so this was really interesting. i'm no stranger to the concept of bad patterning and i (perhaps obviously) come from a dysfunctional family. before the last two, the men i dated were wrong in a different way, depressed, needy, dependent. so this guy, and the guy just previous they were choices agains't type. a calculated move that i was hoping would take me in a better direction. i wasn't overwhelmingly attracted to either one initially, they were both friends of friends, things started off slowly (for me). although both of them seemed to be really into me fast. both of them instantly wanted to spend a lot of time with me, and do things that seemed a little premature for me. point being, i'm sure that (for me) that whole seeing a person from across the room and feeling that instant 'zing' is a sign of bad chemistry, best avoided. but somehow, these non-zings, ended up being very similar, and worse, in a way. the controlling, my way or highway, game-y type was never in my rotation before the last few years. so i must be putting out a new vibe or missing some real clues. i need to sit down and think carefully back over every first moment where i think "hmmmm, this is odd" with the last guy. they both ended up being so similar, it's uncanny. guy 1 was totally unavailable, never wanted to talk about emotions or fix problems. that's a no brainer, i should have ran from that sooner. But with guy 2, i spent a lot of time getting to know him before letting it get physical. months. and during this time he went on and on about how into communication he was, talking things out, in retrospect, maybe he was just excellent at telling me what i obviously needed to hear. to make matters more complicated, guy 2 knows guy 1 socially, so he even had his own knowledge of guy 1 to maybe use in his favor..if i want to get that cynical. i think this brings me to a new question and that is this things were great at first. super great rapport, it was like we were the best of friends. then one day, some small conflict happened and he just changed. he started picking fights, making petty comments, refusing to communicate or communicating non-constructively (like, i'd point something out and he'd counter with something i did a week ago- smoke and mirrors). this happened with guy 1 as well we suddenly fell into this mode where (- next post) fuck older woman HawaiiSome parts of dating are no fun. Sometimes we have to take one on the. Generally, I assume that people my age (30+) should be clear enough about the rules of engagement to pick up my clear social cues regarding level of interest. If they cannot, I have serious doubts about their capacity to engage in a meaningful relationship requiring sophisticated communication skills. I don't usually bother to volunteer my reasons for not wanting to someone again, because as I said before, they are unique to me and usually not that meaningful to the person going forward. If I am polite in expressing my lack of interest, and they me a bitch, I it gives them comfort. Personally, it troubles me not at all. I don't any worth to the opinion of a person completely lacking emotional maturity. It reaffirms my opinion of them, I am gratified in my good sense and I move along. That being said, if someone s the question, I tell them the truth. If they ask to me again and I don't want to, I say so at the time. If they want to know why I won't I try to demur. If they insist on knowing, I tell them. THAT'S usually when they tell me I'm a bitch, but by that point, they have so violated the bounds of appropriate social convention, I no longer care what they think. Dating is a minefield. It requires trying to simultaneously have an open heart and thick skin. It's a difficult balance, at best. 100 free dating
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