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- asexual and kinkless, which shifted to radical lesbian feminist separatist and kinkless (you know, where orgasms come from the bliss of imagining a utopia populated by women holding hands and singing near and ferron songs in perfect -), which shifted to lesbian feminist submissive in training (extreme yet extremely desexualized immersion into the world of bdsm; submission and dissociation went hand-in hand, so submission could take on a very performative feel; NB: dissociation went hand-in-hand with all sorts of benign, day-to-day things), which shifted to longterm kinkless and monogamous lesbian relationship, which shifted to immersion in trauma recovery work and celibacy with everyone other than myself, which included a great deal of fantasy work, which then shifted to kinkless sexual exploration with men, which shifted to hardcore and heavily sexual D/s relationship/exploration/experiences with a in which i learned to identify and seek and engage the pursuit/satisfaction of pleasure (idiosyncratiy bundled in physical, metal and emotional terms), and which served to burn away the last lingering effects of trauma that no amount of talk therapy would ever touch, which led to a sense of independence, womanliness, curiosity and sexual agency wherein i am most keenly turned on by the thought of thoroughly kinked up play that falls outside the rubric of D/s power exchange. so. in hypercompressed sum: the thoroughly imbricated, non-causal, ourobourotic relationship between the complete shaking up of the sno-globe of my erotic/sexual orientation/identification/attractions and years of hardcore digging around in the muck of my psyche to eradicate or transmute every last shred of evidence of trauma-born terror. must launch into my day, check back later cheap sex girls in maidstoneA person once told me that I had to remember. They said I had to remember that in the entire history of the universe you’re the only ‘you’ that has ever existed and ever exist. They sheeted my ego and went onto to say that there’s nobody in existence who is you and no one can ever the world the way you it and can tell the rest of us how it looks and this perspective might be so different and so beautiful that it changes everything. I wonder about beauty now when I think of those words. Male Beauty. Female Beauty. Androgynous Beauty. When I realized the power of truly becoming an individual my mind became a cradle and I finally felt a sense of home. I want to find and reach out to a woman who feels the same, that artist who is constantly hunting, stalking, lusting for more. My mind drifts idily as I sit in this warmly lit tea and coffee shop, fingers braced against keyboard and thoughts wrapped around the hazzards of the new mind aesthetic. What does beauty mean anymore really and how could it change anything? Is it just a collateral of the everyday being or a fabricated affectation? It all makes me think of my ex and consider her in the same context. She was the cold ice that me and proceeded in devouring me. Her dour and darkness was infinitely appealing and she was aware of this. To her it was just another one of the enjoyably unresolvable enigmas posed by her infinitely superficial character and no matter how layers were taken off there was never any depth to an encounter with her it all just was. She just sort of flowed over you. There was just this cruelty to her words and a disquiet to her gait and nothing softened her effect on people. uniform dating
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