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I am a questioning female who feels the need to justify why she does not like interacting in any way with a penis. I have had negative experiences with men and have also suffered sexual trauma (rape). My avoidance of coitus with a has caused much complaint from my male partners and is the downfall of all my relationships with them. The message I have gotten by the men in my life is that the reason why I avoid sex is because I was raped or that there is something wrong with me. There is no connection during sex and I’m much checked out the whole time. Yet I’m not freaking out or panicked, anxious. In my twenties I used to cry afterwards and it was physiy painful during, but now I’m just sort of numb. I would still cry now during sex if it is with someone new; after that I just go to numb. I not only physiy reject penis but also have negative emotional and intellectual reactions to sex with men. I have always had very strong feelings about the way men treat women. I was very sensitive as a and was angered by the misogynistic view men had of women. I was also angered by the way men described women sexually and did not want to be one of those women they were talking about (about how much they, etc). I have never dressed up for men or presented myself sexually to them. I realized a while ago that what I really want from men is a platonic and affectionate relationship but that I do not want a sexual relationship with them. I am not asexual, I do want sexual and emotional intimacy with someone. When I'm attracted to a women I feel so good; it is a real high. If I could be me and have no barriers whatsoever, I would meet this really cool chick who was beautiful (to me, I’m not attracted to straight girls), smart, funny and goofy. We would have amazing sex and be madly in. So here is my central question: am I truly disinterested in sex with men or am I just looking for an excuse not to sleep with men? Am I really interested in women or am I just looking for an excuse not to sleep with men? I mean, to a large extent it just doesn't fucking matter because I do not want to sleep with men! Get it, world?! I mean, fuck you if you don't like it, Planet Earth, but I don't like -! looking for my perfect nsa partner
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