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I'm trying not to repeat myself over and over, trying to hide how shitty I feel, because I know it just push him away, or throw dirt in the face of what he's currently expressing to me. I really wish I weren't like this. :/ All I can do is "fake it til you make it," it seems like. All I can do is just act like everything's as it ought to be until it is. I'm just afraid I'll never let go, never be able to believe him for an extended period of time. And that it come up someday in an argument, try as I might to avoid that type of thing. It's a flaw of mine, dredging. :( Last night when we had sex, he wanted me to mount him and I couldn't bear the idea of doing so. I couldn't bear looking at him while crushing him with my weight and being "in control." I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I know all the right ways to tell OTHER people to confront and overcome these feelings, but when I tell myself these things, it all rings so hollow. I guess I just can't get away from myself, and I am my own merciless enemy. intimate encounters classified ads for Gerardmer
The dumptruck has a tailgate which is hinged on the top, and it's HEAVY STEEL, maybe 5' tall x 7' wide. So when he slid down, his body slammed the tailgate, pushing it open just enough to wedge his body between tailgate and bed of the truck. A pile of dirt/mud was beneath him, true, but that impact against the tailgate is what worried me that and the sharp tools sliding with him and the compressed discs in his back for which he's been getting medical treatment and supposed to be taking it easy. He's no 20-something anymore. He's a 52-yo carrying too extra pounds. He made all doorways in our house 36" wide for a reason so a wheelchair could pass through easily. He's already built the wheelchair ramp to the front porch. Guess who he imagines might be in that wheelchair? How about the time he loaded a skid-loader onto a trailer, which didn't have a roll-bar so he stood beside it handling the steering. The tires on his side were MORE THAN HALFWAY off the ramps, and steering further off. It barely made it onto the trailer. The thing weighs about pounds. All that is fine for him, but he had it hooked onto a winch, which was pulling the machine up the ramps onto the trailer. He had ME pushing the "on" button for the winch, and even though I yelled that the tires were coming off the ramps, the winch was pulling it crooked, he yelled back to keep going. It's not so much that he does things which could hurt himself, what bothers me is that he enlists MY HELP to do these things which could hurt him. He thinks he's invicible, because he wrecked a motorcycle doing mph and got up and rode it home. He fell off a bulldozer and broke vertebrae in his back, 3 months in traction, and he's still walking. But yeah, maybe I do worry too much about these safety issues. *Sigh* I suppose I just need to grow a thicker skin and nonchalant attitude about it all. But I don't know how. looking for date in Bethany BeachWANTED black girls
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