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I'm glad I started this thread.. it has been helpful and comforting. Everyone, even the one's that seem a little abrupt, have given me alot to consider. Thank you all. A part of me understands that this relationship is ending, and right now I'm in an anxious state, grieving, having moodswings because I'm hurt and angry. I know that he's not "doing" anything to me, but it feels like he is, because I feel betrayed. More so because of the lying than the cheating. I feel devalued, used and rejected simultaneously, humored, disrespected, not trusted, humiliated, talked at. I feel like a fool. A part of me is torn because one minute I'm grieving the loss of the person then the next minute I'm grieving the loss of the last 10 years of my life. And I'm terrified to boot. And you're right, he doesn't want to look at his behavior or improve himself at all. It really is torture for him to talk about anything. He wants a one sided conversation that he doesn't have to feel a response to, as in.. "You're hurting me by your actions. Your actions cause me to feel fear. Fear of not knowing if my life is safe or that it's going to change. Fear that when I'm not around you're not considering me in the equation. Fear that I can no longer undress with the lights on because I feel so bad and know that you no longer want me or that you never really did, that this was all just a really sick agonizing joke." I try to think in terms of "I deserve better," but I feel so low right now it's hard to stick my out and claim that line. And you're right again about "no matter who he's cheating with." I must admit tho, I felt a little relieved that he might be bi, but it's based on nothing and doesn't change any of the facts of the effects his behavior has had on me. Thank you for taking the time to comment, I think you just explained the writing on the wall clearly. small bbw looking for a small girl for a relationship
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