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- asexual and kinkless, which shifted to radical lesbian feminist separatist and kinkless (you know, where orgasms come from the bliss of imagining a utopia populated by women holding hands and singing near and ferron songs in perfect -), which shifted to lesbian feminist submissive in training (extreme yet extremely desexualized immersion into the world of bdsm; submission and dissociation went hand-in hand, so submission could take on a very performative feel; NB: dissociation went hand-in-hand with all sorts of benign, day-to-day things), which shifted to longterm kinkless and monogamous lesbian relationship, which shifted to immersion in trauma recovery work and celibacy with everyone other than myself, which included a great deal of fantasy work, which then shifted to kinkless sexual exploration with men, which shifted to hardcore and heavily sexual D/s relationship/exploration/experiences with a in which i learned to identify and seek and engage the pursuit/satisfaction of pleasure (idiosyncratiy bundled in physical, metal and emotional terms), and which served to burn away the last lingering effects of trauma that no amount of talk therapy would ever touch, which led to a sense of independence, womanliness, curiosity and sexual agency wherein i am most keenly turned on by the thought of thoroughly kinked up play that falls outside the rubric of D/s power exchange. so. in hypercompressed sum: the thoroughly imbricated, non-causal, ourobourotic relationship between the complete shaking up of the sno-globe of my erotic/sexual orientation/identification/attractions and years of hardcore digging around in the muck of my psyche to eradicate or transmute every last shred of evidence of trauma-born terror. must launch into my day, check back later need one to suckI have always treated her good and taken care of my. Even when apart I supported her financially. no matter how little i had i made sure she got some of it. And the housekeeping is not the only reason. She also liked to fight and argue about nothing in front of the. But she has improved on all of these things and i dont even care anymore i just want to her for who she is. I have learned all i need to know about and i now know i want to pour it on her and noone. I know now what truly matters it took jailtime to figure it out i guess it was sort of my rock bottom. sex old women
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