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married couple looking to have fun w woman I'll KILL you" i had no reason to doubt him. i was, maybe 5? maybe 6? i later in life read, from Freud..boys who, are violated in that way, most often develop an anal (fetish) i dont know if thats true. but, it got me thinking. i experimented with cross-dressing by age 7. around 8th grade, my sister began complimenting me, saying (you have a cute butt)..i became SO self conscious, i couldnt STAND, having ANYONE behind me school, was impossible. high school wasa TOTAL blitz..any i could get my paws on, i did it, copiusly. good thing, heroin, never came around..i'd have died, for sure. Sorry bout YOUR luck,? it's..a damned shame, but.. still good to know, we are not completely freaks, and alone in the world, that doesnt understand.. at 13, i was incercerated in a group home..recieved a , from some grown ( on a line, supposedly only FAMILY knew the number? ) talking bout, wanting to give me a blow-job.? homo-thoughts, would NEVER have "naturally" occurred to me. they had to be, inserted..at 18, i RAGED at a pedophile..i was tired of guys, approaching me, that way..and felt overcome with a compulsion to find out WHY.. ultimately, it forged chains of Shame, i wore for 30 years..helped to ruin, an engagement to a wonderful and sweet, woman? ruining HER life, at an early age, and painting a bullseye on MY head that..never went away. lost my home. drove s*** for cars? worked at the bottom of the totem pole, for lesser pay? even had attempts made to kill me. brakes cut, fuel lines, etc. i keep praying, wondering WHY GOD? and the WORST of it: IF GOD KNOWS EVERYTHING? WHY DID ~SHE have to get hurt? in the middle of my struggle? i really LOVED her..she was the sweetest thing. and gorgeous. and all i could do was HURT HER, after GOD made sure we met i just dont understand. ultimately, I made the choice but. the variables were overwhelmingly compulsive.
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