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love never forgets -The second-person perspective rarely works for stories like these. That is much better suited for personal letters or stories meant for a specific someone, rather than a broad audience. The constant stream of I/you ends up being a bit distracting. Stick with first person, or a narrator. -More kink!! -While better written than your typical "Dear Penthouse" story, it still reads like one due to the exclusive focus on describing genitals and sex acts in great detail. How well this is received depends a lot on your target audience though. people prefer to stay focused on the juicy bits and don't care one whit about the psychological and emotional underpinnings. I am not one of them. (Know your audience.) -"Throbbing member" should be stricken from your erotic vocabulary, lol. Avoiding those cliches are one of the toughest parts of erotic writing. All in all, fairly well-written, but predictable. Keep writing. tit sucking maybe more no men
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