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After I loaded my burden here, I actually felt better because for the first time in my life I realized one of my flaws. Nobody knows I can be sad. And now knowing others really care. Because of my personality, the mask that I built, no one expects me to be sad or feel down but expects me to be strong, excited, animated and the life of the party! I am afraid, now, all of sudden, to say to people, I am sad or feeling down. It would be much easier to say or show this to one person that I could "trust" which I do not have now. If I say I am sad to my family, they not understand because they usually think I am angry which is most likely my mask for my sadness. If I say I am sad to my friends, they not really understand too because they never saw me sad they think I am not being serious. The short therapy I had in in the past, none of them ed on my mask. They actually reinforced my external self I am laughing, smiling, that I am happy but just feeling lonely One of the reasons, I got the dog was to treat some of my existential problems. I was told I was not sad but bored and had no responsibilities. When people say deal with issues, I have hard time understanding that. I think my issue is when I am sad I do not share it with people. It stem from lack of trust or being afraid of being accepted. I think no one would want a sad person so I share my happy side and then I forgot my sad side. I am more sad alone than when I am dating. If I go lower than the trust and not being accepted issue, I hit a block. Not sure what to do beyond that. Why don't I trust people or afraid to be accepted? Interestingly enough, I make friends fast and deep and trust them. Deep enough to share everything. I listened to people's sad stories. People sharing their sad stories with me. and I listening and helping others with understanding where their pain is coming from. best fucking Balikpapan
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