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looking for sex TiltonThankyou m4w for putting that beautiful posting up again.. I saved it when I first read it, but then it disappeared from the list.. I knew it was you, and really I will try to give you space. starting to understand things a bit better.. needing to know what I'm learning, but it is so hard when I've longed for so long for what we had that weekend.. I suppose most people don't get to have paradise in their lives from day to day any way, so I should be glad I even had a taste.. I'm glad you could feel weightless like the moon too.. I never want to weigh you down, and I'm beyond sorry if I did. I wanted so much more to make you float, and reading the words of that post gave me such hope, but I know hope needs to be defered some times too.. I'm resisting the urge to try to decode your message to you openly in a note, but I suppose mystery is a thing I'm still learning to appreciate on a deeper level. Thanks for making it plain enough with the location though. I took it up for the name of the poem I wrote in response to the other you posted for me. There's still somehow a sense of doubt making me want to write directly to you through that one too, but since I read the most recent post I may also respond to in a minute, and also since a good nights sleep, my timing is looking a bit more patient, and my soul also a bit more calm. Sorry I wasn't for a while before, but thanks for still being there somewhere and reaching out to me, even veiled and in secret, as it were.
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In practice, it doesn't ever seem to work. I repeat a lot of positive affirmations to myself in my head, only to have the angry, ugly inner voice snark at the affirmations and remind me of how stupid and trite they all are. I'm quite crazy, unfortunately, but intelligent enough to reason/do combat with any kindness I might throw my own way. It would be sort of funny if it didn't keep me so fucking down. You know, sometimes I think "I'll feel sexy if I dress up as he likes and entice him, and spark his interest." But I feel foolish most of the time when I do these days, and I also feel like I'm breaking my promise to myself to NOT be the sexual initiator. It really bothers me when I do that, but honestly the last time he initiated without any hinting from me was A) over a month ago and B) when I was sleeping. Which seems to be the case so frequently! He never demands or requests sex when we're both awake just when he wakes in the middle of the night with an erection. Then I get the feeling he doesn't want me when we're both conscious. :/ But if I made good on my word and never initiated, I'd never get laid. And I'm so incredibly sexual at the core, that I would be even more miserable then than now. I'm so rambly. :/ I just feel a lot of mixed-up bad things right now and I wish I could really make it stop, instead of putting my fingers in my ears and shouting "LALALA," y'know? free New Cumberland nc pussy personalsand need to relax and let your mind unwind. I mean REALLY turn it off for a while. Let go of the worry (hard, I know) and the 'thinking one step ahead of yourself'. That can undermine your own inner voice that has the best ideas. Actually, it's kinda' weird, because something similar just happened to me (tonight). Not about a job, per se, but a life stumbling block. I was forced into a quiet period, and actually had an epiphany. Now I know something I didn't before, and it all makes sense. I can on again. Best wishes, - women for dating
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