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So I'm a daughter of a west indian minister. Shit happens in life nonetheless, my experience with men haven't always been good. Anyway, when I went to college, I had this huge chip on my shoulder about life. I really didn't care about my life and kind of became a hard ass. I began to tutor as a side job, both male and female b-ball players. Anyway, for the first time I found myself attracted to a woman. "J" and I became real cool while I tutored her and her roommate. We went from study sessions to chilling with each other causally, no sex. I was a lot afraid of my attraction to her so I ended up dating a I never loved. I know this sound crazy or even selfish but I could only be physical with this. I mean I barely liked him touching me but it was/is what I'm supposed to do. Sex with him made me feel dirty and I'd take showers immediately. Then on the flipside, if J would and say come over or showed up to my apartment unannounced I'd wouldn't hesitate to let her in. And though we didn't have sex, she was the only person I ever felt safe enough to cuddle with. Anyway she was a typical b-ball player. Had girls chasing her and I was never the type to do that. After six months of me dating my ex, she told me she was in with me and wouldn't share me and I had to make a choice. Even though I knew what I would be risking with my fam, I threw caution to the wind and decided to be with her. When I was ready to give up everything, I went to meet her at her place and walked in and her and another woman. She broke my heart bad. Needless to say, I went cold. I had to move to avoid seeing her because she had a way of finding me and trying to fix it. I stayed with me ex for a few because it was familiar. Now here I am almost ten years later, I'm forcing myself to date men but I find no real connection, I'm even turned off sexually. I ran into her old roommate and she and I started catching up. She told me she wanted to be with me but she could how much J was in with me. She invited me to this get together and wanted me to be her guest. She also told me J would be there(J is single again). Now I can't sleep. Things have changed. I've changed physiy and I'm afraid for her to me like this. I wonder why I'm going through the motions. Any advice???? any swm s looking for long term
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