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i am sure he was aware of this, but given the nature of his relationship with my grandmother, it was plain that he would do nothing about it. He simply endured constant and ongoing humiliation and degradation at the hands of my grandmother. So it was that i learned to yearn to be like my grandfather, to find relationships that would put me in the position that he was in with respect to my grandmother. However, this was something my grandmother would not tolerate for me. Although she insisted on my submissiveness to her, she demanded dominance from me when it came to others. So i could not act on my feelings, and in fact, i had to overtly act the exact opposite of them. Covertly, i began to crave and yearn to act as servile, submissive and obsequies as i could bring myself to imagine. Because deep down inside, my essence was extreme submissiveness; a yearning to be like my grandfather. However, this was something that would not be tolerated by my grandmother. i had to secretly play out my submissiveness, while hiding it from others. For some reason i cannot explain, my hidden submissive desires turned intensely sexual during my adolescence. When i was able to act on or fantasized about my submissive nature, i would experience a sexual arousal and stimulation beyond anything i could experience in a normal sexual way, such as looking at a Playboy magazine. i grew up going to Catholic school. All the girls in the school wore the basic school uniform. White blouse, plaid pleated skirt, white ankle socks or knee socks, and patent leather shoes. Somewhere around the sixth or seventh grade, i began developing sexual fetishes that submissives develop. i was sexually aroused by the girl’s feet, black patent leather shoes, ankle socks and knee socks, and their plaid skirts, which they always wore shorter than they were supposed to. The of my during these years was a girl named. She was a very girl, but she had a very arrogant, bitchy, attitude of someone who knew she was smart, and popular. black dominican latino woman into Carbondale men
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