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BEFORE hubby got home, then you messed around together, then he messed around with her solo after you fell asleep. If that's the case, it sounds like you bent your own rules a little bit for your own benefit/convenience and then got upset when the rules bent the other way. Another possibility is that you haven't defined your rules specifiy enough and that your hubby fudged a little to assume that the encounter still techniy counted as "together" because it was the same evening. What shocks me is how broken-up you seem to be about this. You seem to be a little erm delicate for someone who's willing to get into 3-ways. I think you should put this into perspective. Perhaps you need to realize that bending your own rules is NOT a good idea. If you have rules in place within your relationship, you really need to stick with them faithfully and realize that if they can be bent in your direction, they can also be bent in your hubby's direction. Perhaps you need to do a little bit of work with better defining what IS and what is NOT acceptable. Perhaps you need to realize that having 3-ways is a mine-field for potential relationship issues to come up, that you're just too darned sensitive to navigate that mine field, and really shouldn't be engaging in those sorts of activities in the first place. If you decide that you want to keep having 3-ways, I recommend reading "The Ethical Slut". It's a book about open relationships. Although you're not techniy in an "open relationship", I would describe your relationship as "Semi-open" whats a bored girl got to do to find a guy
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