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I am a mother of 3 with an extremely (emotionally and verbally)abusive,controlling has ed me the worst of things throughout our marriage and has even refused to get medical attention for me when I couldn't get it for myself. A little insight to that situation;I fell on our patio at 3 am about 17 months ago trying to get his dog to come back after he took off before I could get him on his went out after him and slipped on ice flipping backward landing on the back of my am unsure if I ever lost consciousness. When I got up and crawled into the house, I could not a thing, my vision was was so dizzy I could barely crawl on my hands and knees without falling over. I finally made it back into the house screaming for my husband. He layed in bed upstairs yelling at me to shut the F up and just go to sleep because he had to be to work at 7 am. After a few minutes he finally decided to get out of bed. I was in the middle of our living room floor vomitting and falling into it face first for lack of balance. I have no idea how the exchange lasted of me begging for help and him saying shut the F up, stop over reacting.(To be clear I do not overdramatize injury or pain.)it felt like hours of him just verbally beating the crap out of me for getting hurt. In reality I am sure it was only minutes. My vision started to come back, things were still blurry but it was then I saw that he never even came all the way down the stairs. Here was his wife, the one he swore to honor and, laying face first,completely helpless in her own vomit and he didn't even come all the way down the stairs? I was helpless, couldn't think straight or straight for that matter. To add insult to injury (literally) when he returned from work that day I was laying on the couch STILL vomitting STILL unable to clearly. I told him I needed to go to the ER. His response, Oh you're still milking that huh? He finally drove me. It was that night I decided I didn't want to be here anymore and didn't want to be with him anymore. I should have left circumstances were no different then than they are today. The verbal is ongoing with an occasional feel so weak that I am not even sure I can make it on my have no way out and I don't even know where to there any services out there for someone that just needs out hey big boy help a girl outWhen I first came out I was told I had to do anal. It was part of being. I tried being a top but that didn't work. A guy on all fours or on his back with his legs spread did nothing for me. He looked like a girl and I'd already had sex with women when I thought I was straigt. When I decided to be a bottom I'd read to slowly work on my ass with small toys and then larger ones. Foolishly I did that all the while thinking how stupid it was. An ass is tight for a reason. Bottoming was a nightmare. I tried it quite a few times with experienced topss, cleaned myself out, he lubed, I lubed. It was not hot at all, and I felt like an idiot getting in female sex positions. I felt like a girl. All I could think of was when I came out how people would say I was because I wanted to be a girl. Not true. I felt his cock on my prostate but it wasn't pleasurable at all. I developed chronic diarrhea and then some internal bleeding. I was losing weight. I was so embarrassed and humuliated to go to the doctor. I didn't go until a friend recommended a friendly doctor. I had internal tears and infections that required multiple courses of antibiotics. I slowly healed without needing surgery. As humiliated as I was I explained everything to the doctor. He's an older and understood completely and explained in simple terms that my ass and no ass is made for penetration. I kind of already figured that out. He said anal was something that wasn't very popular when he was but as the 70's progressed more men did it because they thought they had to and they were rebelling as well. He lost friends to AIDS. He warned me about HIV which I knew. I didn't know about the anal cancer/anal sex connection. That was an eye openener. Anyway, I'm anal sex free and glad to be. I had a scare and I'm not going back to that dark place again. Unfortunately I now have two friends who are HIV poz. They're doing okay but I wish I could turn back the clock. beautiful black women
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