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My ex came to get the girls. I had cooked a simple dinner so that their drive home would be more pleasant. We sat at the table for 3 hours. Just talking, cracking jokes, listenening to the girls talk. Telling jokes, talking about life,flirting. I now realize why I am not relationship material. I am not divorced. I have been lying to myself for years, telling myself I was single. The truth is everything I do, I consider his feelings, his needs, his wants, the effect on the, the effect on everyuone but me. I am still married, no matter what I tell myself. It is all a lie, to make me feel better about the fact that we don't live together, but in my heart and soul we are still married. Ahhh It was an amazing evening, I felt so happy and safe. To bad I know it is only good for a few hours a month, then we go back to the bickering hate, my inability to forgive his inability to get sober. So much water under thye bridge that there is no way to return to the one in my life I know I forever. county market chatham
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