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For one thing, I have to be upfront and tell you that I do not believe in "self-esteem". Or, rather, I think the term has been misused to the point where it's hard to recognize. I think gelg is correct, in that self-esteem is more a matter of in one's own competency and assurance that one is capable of solving the problems that life throws at you. How does one develop that sense of competency and assurance? By doing it over and over and over again. By failing, sometimes, and realizing that you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get moving again after a disappointment either being fired, losing a relationship, not achieving a goal, etc. EVERYONE fails at some point in life, and it's what we learn from those failures that help us succeed in future endeavors. And here's the problem: There's a whole generation of whose parents brought them up afraid to allow them to fail, because they were afraid that it would "damage their self esteem." What we're now seeing is the result of that well-meaning but misguided notion people grew up under a false series of life "successes" where they were constantly told how wonderful they were. You know the philosophy: No one is allowed to lose, that's why everyone gets a trophy. Their ability to figure out ways around obstacles was never challenged, and when they finally DO face some kind of failure, they fall apart. Then there's the aspect of being inner-driven, rather than outwardly-driven. Outwardly-driven people spend a great deal of time worrying about what other people think about them, and trying to gain the approval of others even if that so-ed "approval" is fleeting or superficial, and sometimes, not even good for the person (.,). How can anyone have 'self' confidence when everything they do, think or feel is dictated by others? There is no sense of "self" they simply become mirrors. There's more but that's the basics. hot party fridaySounded like, to me, they have dated; since she does mention he "treated her"; couple that statement with some "ups and downs" within the past "9 months" and "he was never cheap to me". "not her boyfriend yet" could mean they have not had any formal commitment talks of exclusivity. I agree this is out of the norm that she is offering this. She very well be trying to buy his affection, but I have known a few very sweet (naive?) people that wear their hearts on their sleeve; fall in much too readily; and are very generous by thinking of others first. I simply choose to believe this version, since it is neither here nor there when it comes to the advice I would give in this situation, even though yours is more probable. I think in cases there is unlikely only one driving motive. It doesn't change my advice one iota. My title maybe, but not my overall advice. :) adult classifieds
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