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It's that I've been spending so much less time w/*all* of my so-ed friends as well as my real friends, and *everything* is getting clearer. It has nothing to do with my financial status whatsoever. I have chosen to be a hermit now for about 6 mos. Turning my whole ship around for awhile. I simply can't tolerate any *bullshit* anymore. The only reason why I posted the money issue, is that the person I had the 'misunderstanding' with has always been thoroughly money-focused. We can be having tea, and she'll start in with her investments, her famous 'friend', etc. The other pair of 'friends' have their own schtick, but still, money-focused as well just Bohemian style, so it appears 'cool'. It STINKS OUT LOUD. And worst of all: it screwed their up seriously (both sets of friends' -). Hence: the money post. During my walk, I realized that it's really the same old story, but I just refuse to put up with it anymore at all. I'm growing up in the realest sense. It goes back to when I had my divorce years ago, and chose to be w/family folks only. The folks I befriended gave me the closest thing to the cozy feeling I craved but with a price: that I serve a purpose for them as well fill a hole a need play a role doing little favors like babysitting and trapseing around with them on *their terms*! I'm cutting all that out now, and facing facts. My values and principles are not the same and never were. Rather than suffer alone, I clung to them in large part, because it the hell out of me having single men interested in me. My 'friends' were a protection .At least I refrained from diving into a string of men-folk, marriages, etc. I'm proud of myself now. This all requires grieving, but hey, it feels good to cry and gain my freedom from their clutches .I played, 'In the early morning rain' (- -) several times on my guitar before,sobbed my guts out, and put a in for my brother. And this forum has been a great way to process stuff for me. To observe myself. Hell, everything goes out into oblivion, but it helps me. Other peoples posts help me also! And I'm undeterred by the morons, who unprovoked, post things that they think hurt others. bite my tits n tongue my pussyhere early tonight. There be a wonderful display as they dine on insects just over the wood outside my balcony. Living here in a town ed. Mostly all you can hear is traffic outside and airconditioners, but interspered there are the songs of birds. Some are my finches, 15 of them specifiy, all the others are free outside the cage living right outside there. Kingbirds on the wires, cedar waxwing, occasional blue, cardinal. Ah, the grackel and mockingbirds and doves just ed in. When marriage and ltrs are so important and rightfully occupy a central place in life, i am here to tell you that the birds can take the place of someone you if and when they are gone. That is if that person is not quickly replaced, which happens more often than not. There are human songs like: hurts .and, the first cut is the deepest but, you know, for me the first is the right. Our fine are now in their middle twenties, about the age i found that my dearest found our back door and left while i had the chillens at the. Apparently she had developed an alternate scenario in her heart that needed me to kinda disappear. Ah, the late eighties. Can i tell you, it cost less than $ to get divorced back then and there was no support etc in our case. I just got custody, she was gone on some dates. She visited often enough. My point is, tonight, as I strum my guitar neath the wind chimes and listen to the air conditioners down below, I be thinking of her and all the specific bird types i recognize these days. Time is such a divine luxury. Last night at dusk I counted eleven nightjars. Keep your, accept a good life, know birds. horney sexy men
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