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You thought I was speaking sarcastiy (I wasn't particularly, but I'm flattered that you'd think so). I think both sides are right. I think the OP is trying to have a weird, untenable split between people, where ordinary straight folks are unforgiving and misunderstanding, intolerant, etc. but lesbians are somehow "supposed" to be different and welcoming and. But that doesn't make any sense at all like I said, lesbians are regular folks, and regular folks feel flattered and safe when they are surrounded by people who look and act like them. This isn't inherently bad, but it is a precarious position, because it can easily slide into becoming hostile or unfriendly to people who don't provide that comfort through similarity. And then we start slipping into the realm of douchebaggery. The way I it, if you don't like this particular flavor of douchiness, you can make a conscious effort to avoid it in yourself do your best to understand other people on their own terms, look for points of similarity that allow you to relate to them and understand them but also bear in mind what makes them different. But of course the minute you try to force other people to stop being douchey in this way by censuring them or rejecting them, you're coming very close to doing exactly what pissed you off so bad in the first place! So I think you're right. The best way to do that that I've figured out so far is to lead by example. Command respect by having it in yourself and telegraphing that to other people simply through being confident and self-assured. Recognize that even the douchey people can rise to the occasion under the right circumstances (and do your best to figure out what those are for each person and bring out the best in them). At any rate, all that is dang hard (at least for me I know it comes more naturally to some folks), which is to say that one always be disappointed in oneself and others. But this is why people like being around good, solid people so much restores one's in humanity, makes one want to be better. It's like cultivating a little garden of awesome all around oneself. wellmans Yountville swinger partyHe's aware that you're unhappy ("you're selfish!" AND "it's my fault" comments), he's aware he's obsessed ("I know, it's me" comments) I took an enormous amount of time to grieve my mother. I drank, was emotionally unavailable and most likely disagreeable in general. Fortunately, my husband had also lost his father and understood. There's mortality issues, "what the f%^k am I doing with my life?" issues and let's not forget, "if only I had done this" issues. Death is hard, real hard. I don't know if you've lost someone that close to you before but it was a bear for me to deal with. I would imagine it is tough to take a back seat to that only two years into your marriage but EVERYTHING he says and does right now is the process of grief. I'm sure, given your backstory, that he loves you very much. However, he just not be capable of showing that right now. What to do you can wait, you can leave or you can talk. However, if you go for option 3, the conversation cannot focus on you and oyur needs. He doesn't feel capable of fulfilling his own needs, his parents needs, etc. right now, let alone his wife's needs. Focus on your concern for him. Focus on your to help him heal and move forward. Finally, try and be the most patient person you can be for both of you. I am so sorry. I really you both can move forward and be happy. mature girls
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