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but to those that judged me: i do admit that i am a spoiled girl. but i never take advantage of my dates. in fact, i am the opposite of a demanding girl. i have a nice life of my own and i've always been able to spoil myself with or without men. if there was one thing i wanted a guy to provide for me that i can't on my own, it's just companionship and commitment. that being said, i do enjoy when my dates go out of his way to treat me like a while i am too, a generous girl. it's not about the gifts,money or 's about the effort a guy puts in for me. and i know and am able to reciprocate with thoughtful gifts and doing nice things for him too. he has also showed no signs of being a player. always supporting me in everything i do, and telling me he'd be a great father someday, how he thinks my parents are so lucky to have a daughter like me..and how he admires his dad blablabla.. it became very hard for me to believe a guy like him could be an asshole :( when he broke up with me,i continued to care for him hoping it change his mind. i wanted to prove that i am a good gf and that i can make his life better. if i acted desperate, it was because i truly wanted something more meaningful with him. i cut him off when i didn't want to be hurt everyday anymore:( but he refused and told me he always be my friend. i disagreed, but he never stopped inviting me out for innocent activities. and i slowly started talking to him like b4. when i agreed to out more often again, it was partly out of curiosity, because it has been a year and i wanted to know if i have really moved on. or even just to prove to myself whether he really cares for me as a friend, or he's an asshole and i should hate him. yet i realized i still have so much feelings for him. I started being nice to him again, even agreeing to design his place free(i'm an interior designer) a part of me just want him to remember me as a girl that did her best, if we were to never talk to each other again after this. as i force myself to move on. i do admit that i am selfish for doing this to my current date. but we are all selfish when it comes to. my can't decide what my heart chooses. my current date doesn't make my heart beat the same way..although his and kindness is slowly healing me. it still doesn't feel the same way :( i don't get any "butterflies". cute and thick black girl ready for youWe would hold hands and kiss every we had to be alone and whenever we could we would sneak away to enjoy each other’s bodies. I’ll never forget that sense of urgency and passion as we ripped each other’s clothes off. Other times we just lay in a clearing out in the woods and he would put flowers in my hair while we talked about anything and everything or just stared up at the clouds. He was able to a side of me that no one ever had. We just couldn’t get enough of each other and it was the happiest time of my entire life. I was 11 years old and madly in with a wonderful who loved me and accepted me. When the was over I cried harder than I ever had before. The day I left, he was away taking care of some camp business when my ride home arrived. I never even got to say goodbye. I tried to get them to wait longer for him to finish whatever it was he was doing and return but they had to leave. I was sobbing uncontrollably and crying hysteriy as I left because I knew I would never him again. I cried all the way home and when I arrived I was still crying. As a welcome home present, my father punched me in the side of the head so hard that I saw stars and demanded that I, “quit acting like a sissy.” At that precise moment, as I watched him walk away shaking his head in disgust, something inside me died. From that day on, and more and more over time, I slowly came to the realization that I was now permanently, emotionally detached from my parents. There was no between us and there never had been. My existence was nothing but a nuisance to them and they provided me with nothing but a meal and a bed – and they did that only because it was required by law. I know this to be true because they both said so repeatedly. I’m one hundred percent certain that if they could’ve they would have just ejected myself and my siblings out in the street. We didn’t do anything as a family and we rarely even spoke to each other. I don’t re any interaction between any of us except for occasional fighting and yelling. After hearing my mother talking to her friends several times and saying things in her drunken stupor like, “I babies but I fucking hate kids” I came to understand that she really did mean every word of that statement and she was talking about me. full body massage
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